Being selfish

Nowadays I find I have less to say privately because I speak so much at work, and then at home. Living with someone who shares your most intimate spaces and often knows what you are thinking has removed my need to tell myself how I feel, and what I’ve thought about during the day.

In a strange way, having less to say to myself has made me forget my thoughts, my feelings, my passions. Can’t get away from words, sounds, thoughts from elsewhere. Having to know about things I want to forget. Not being able to learn things I want to take hold of. Familiarity slips away, muscle memory melts away into fluffy fat.

Dreams stay dreams, then dreams disappear. I wake up and have no memories or knowledge of them. Faced with dusty, solid reality, often I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to deal with all these things, even though I know I can. Would someone take it away so I can go back to being me?

Perhaps though, being ‘me’, is just being selfish.

 

Better late than never

Story of my life!

I am attempting to play catch up with Fortnights of music as by my calculations… I’m overdue by 4 songs including this week (!!).

So here are two songs, to reflect some emotions and happenings..

1. John Legend’s All of Me

 

Not as you remember! This is a slow, whispery take on it. I got engaged on the 29th of January 2016 to my longterm boyfriend, and this is a song we both love. So what if it’s everybody else’s song? It’s ours too. So here. As if I was singing it into his ear at night. Take it or leave it.

2. Jessie J’s Domino

Err just for the feels. Because there are many good things happening lately but also bad things, so I needed something to cheer me up. Work depresses me, this is my escape. I can’t sing and snap my fingers at the same time, let alone play the piano well (as evidenced by naff notes in both these songs)… but sometimes when the feels hit me I snap them. Snap snap.

And that’s it! I’ll try again to get into my groove and catch up.

Twenty sixteen – Touch the sky!

Happy 2016 to all my friends and family!

So much has changed since this blog was first launched. In fact, lots has changed that I’ve not bothered to write about, because life overwhelmed my time. What do I do now? I’m training in anaesthesia, still live in Edinburgh, and have recently realised how annoyed I’ve been that my job is eating up who I am and the things I love do to.

(not that I don’t love my job, I just don’t want it to be all-consuming)

I’m mainly writing this to announce and keep track of one of my main resolutions for the year. The 2016 music project. 52 weeks, a song every fortnight. 26 songs by the end of the year. (: Thinking about it makes me happy and nervous inside. Why? because I want to find the magic in music again.

Looking back on my life, music has always played a big part. Whether at church, uni, home, on my own… There was always a song for every occasion. For every shower, every car trip, every sad or happy moment. When I listen to ‘I Got a Feeling’ from the BEP, I remember my IMU graduation ball. When I hear ‘Fly me to the moon’ I think of jamming out with friends. ‘Happy birthday sweet sixteen’ brings me my dad’s smiling face, at karaoke competitions. ‘Dancing Queen’ conjures up my mum prancing about in costumes with my dad.

Since starting work those moments matched to music have gradually dwindled, limited to quiet evenings at home when I’m browsing youtube or soundcloud, thinking yeshownicethissongisletmelikeit. My piano collects dust. My vocal cords seize up. My shoulders hunch in front of my computer screen. I internally grumble about how unexciting and bland life seems. Back to e-portfolio.

I want to change that.

So a project I thought about, just for starters. A challenge to myself. To record a song every two weeks. Any song.  No requests taken. No apologies. No regrets. Something meaningful to me. Something whimsical. To capture the moment. To link music to life to people to everything again. To re-ignite that joy of music and the gift He gave. To wake up in worship (:

Don’t use it, you lose it sista.

And with that, here is ‘Touch the Sky‘, from Hillsongs. Because alongside music, I’ve fallen away from You, Lord, over the years. I want to turn around and find that childlike excitement and security in Your arms once more. Amen.

First loves: Final Fantasy

Hi. It’s been a long time since I wrote anything, probably because by the time I’ve instagrammed the shit out of my life and jotted down 5+ handwritten pages into my personal diary, I’ve run out of things to say that I feel have any importance (or interest to others, anyway). Who reads this anymore, anyway!? I just keep it around so I can indulge in some self-reflection publicly and stare at my own webpresence. Lulz.

In and amongst being a junior doctor and attempting to manage my own life, I’ve managed to scrape together some of that precious commodity called ‘time’ and spend it on gaming. Yes, apart from chucking blood, sweat, and tears at my beloved Dota 2 (I’ve clocked 1000+ hours!?), I also remain faithful to my first love and foray into the gaming world: RPGs. No thanks to the Steam summer sale, I found myself squealing “FINAL FANTASY SALE” and spending some of my hard-earned moolah on a number of nostalgic titles, and some recent ones. Wow, remember the days when Final Fantasy was produced by Squaresoft and not Square-Enix??

Nostalgia abounds, ltr: Refia, Luneth, Ingus, Arc & chocobo

What I want to write briefly about today are my feelings whilst replaying Final Fantasy III, the 3D remake. What, no 8-bit sprites!? It has been 10+ years since I played this on 8-bit so my memory of the characters and story is so, so hazy. I previously played it on the SNES emulator for PC and probably have it stashed away somewhere… But I couldn’t resist the strains of Nobuo Uematsu’s compositions and pretty graphics as I watched the trailer for this version. This is not going to be a review! 

I don’t recognise much from the original in this remake, but yet it feels strangely familiar. Am I happy? Yes (: Why? It reminds me of my adolescence and teenage years, where many an hour was spent scouring the interwebs over dialup for walkthroughs, strategies, FMV captures, and fanfiction about my favourite characters. My first console game ever was Final Fantasy 8 VIII. My first website was dedicated to FFVIII. My first play-by-ear piano piece was Eyes On Me. My addiction slowly developed into a general love for all things Final Fantasy. Fashion choices. Writing styles. Topic choices. Music taste. Jewellery (how many of you still have a Griever ring stashed away!?). Action figures.

From the moment I pressed “New game” to the melodies of the Nobuo Uematsu intro scale (that’s what I’m calling it), to the emergence of familiar themes (Mog, chocobo, Cid and his airship), the turn-based battle mechanics, spell names and classes… everything is flooding me with a sense of nostalgia and happiness, a time where I didn’t have to care about roles and responsibilities, and just immerse myself in this imaginary world. Blissful (ignorance).

Now that I’m verging on thirty (oh god), have a job, bills, a future to think about, losing myself in that world is much harder. Besides being reminded of the fun it was, I often poke fun at the tropes I see appearing–warriors chosen to save the world from darkness, sacrifices for destiny, princesses stepping up to duty, mysterious creature sidekicks, abandoned castles with evil masters. I look at the clothes they’re illustrated in and hair they have and think, “That would so not work in real life.” I have to stop myself every hour or two and say, “I need to get some real-life stuff done. I need to sleep. I have work tomorrow.”

Well. As one ages, we shift into a different awareness of the world around us and how we relate to it. It’s not all bad, though. Age gave me the benefit of hindsight, to remember and realise and recognise how blessed and blissful it was when I had a first love that utterly consumed me and dictated every choice of my paths. Reminding me why I’m the way I am, why I still feel geekily comfortable when I pick up a controller (Xbox, PS, whatever), why I get childishly excited when I see a DDR machine, why gaming, although it produced no real world results, still gives me such satisfaction and relaxation no matter how tired I am.

Gaming is my first love, and it’s all thanks to Final Fantasy <3

…is that my gateway drug!?

MRCP woes and other reflections

I’ve realised that if you don’t study consistently i.e. playing post-graduation, it’s really hard to get back into the swing of things. I read paragraphs of semi-familiar text describing cardiac physiology which for some reason, I just can’t internalise. I even found myself questioning where the hell the pulmonary valve was… What I do remember well nowadays are, of course, what you have to say to radiologists to get the scan you want, the phone number of the duty microbiologist, the med reg’s phone number, where and how to do handover, how to write and dictate, what papers/forms to fill in and when you need them, how many and what kind of blood tubes are needed for particular tests…

It’s all so logistical. Sometimes I get fed up and lose sight of why I’m a doctor. Not making it to church upsets me. Not having knowledge of my schedule far ahead of time (and then failing to get swaps for dates I need off) annoys me. Having to stay late without compensation also bothers me.

Daily mental reminders of why-do-I-do-this, and having supportive family and loved ones really matters. My bible should help more, but I don’t get to it enough…

I’ll be sitting for the 13th Jan 2015 MRCP date…

Stretching daylight

If I write in my diary, I don’t have the energy to blog; if I blog, I don’t have the energy to write. I guess the season of blogging is over, given that my previous attempts to start again have been marked with the solitary yearly entry. I wouldn’t delete this place though, because I consider it part of my life–reminding me where I’ve come from and how I’ve changed.

Nevertheless.

It is August again in Edinburgh, and the Royal Mile jostles with crowds of tourists and regular inhabitants alike, excited by the pockets of creativity showcasing their talents all over the city. Being in such close proximity to the Mile ensures I never forget this time of the year… Because it is August again, my job description changes yet again, though it brings no title change this time.

A funny nostalgia crept over me the past week, as I routinely signed off as the FY1 for the last time into patient note entries. Soon, another’s last name and handwriting will fill that space, whilst I move on and attempt to fill shoeprints bigger than mine. It’s crazy how from complaining about the new responsibilities laid on my shoulders I am suddenly hesitant about their absence. The weight will only get heavier and heavier as the years go by, I now realise.

I’ve met many, many people over the course of the year–colleagues and patients alike. Each of these people, no matter how cliche it sounds, have imparted something different to me for all the time spent with. Have I grown up a little more? Yes, yes I have. Medicine is all at once everything and nothing that I dreamed of doing with my life. Maybe that’s why it was a calling.

I don’t know what lies in store over the next year, which from this view is chock full of applications, exams, and courses, but under His wings and His lead I’ll press on. (:

Let Your Kingdom Come

This year I’ve decided to do the NECF Malaysia 40-day pray & fast, which runs from 7th August until the 16th of September. (: As the post title alludes, the theme is “Let Your Kingdom Come”. For those who aren’t familiar with this, the churches in Malaysia unite to pray for the country for these 40 days, and there is a little guiding booklet with prayer points for each day, along with a short devotional write-up. It’s exciting this year because the end of the prayer days (16th Sept) is the 50th anniversary of the formation of Malaysia as it is today!! 

I’ve never fasted properly before–always either giving up things like Facebook, gaming, desserts… So this time around I’m giving up food/snacks/drinks (except for water) between 12pm-5pm. This is Day 3, and to be honest it was a lot more difficult than I expected!! Found myself watching the clock and waiting for it to hit 5pm before grabbing the closest snack I could lay my hands on… This of course resulted in Joash (my flatmate) not being very pleased that I’d finished the long yuk (dried Chinese sweetmeats) imported from home…

Why am I doing this? I guess I do have a selfish reason, along with the unselfish one of praying for my country… Since coming to Edinburgh, even though I’ve settled into a great church with amazing people around me, I feel like I’ve just drifted further and further away from God and knowing Him more. There have been several occasions where the things I’ve said in order to fit in have, when reflected upon in quiet times, been truly appalling and pretty much up there with Peter’s denial of Christ. The cock has crowed way too many times and I’ve just cringed and plugged my ears. It is my hope, that at the end of these 40 days, I’ll come to some kind of renewal and new closeness to God, and have sought forgiveness for all the stupid things I’ve said and done. I don’t know how this will happen, and don’t know how to even begin re-doing things, but I’ll just read the booklet, fast, pray, and trust that He will see my efforts and send help to this misguided lost person!! Haha…

My plan is, when these times fall during work hours (so far my rota has started with annual leave, whoop), to retreat to the chapel/meditation centre in the hospital and spend some time praying. Hopefully the rush of patients, jobs, and bleeps will not whack my blood sugar too much until I can eat again in the evenings… My fellow FY1s who have started have all been giving me reports of how stressful and overtime-y it’s been… Only way I’ll find out how I cope is really, by just getting to it. Come on, Tuesday!!

Wish me luck, and all the best too to all fellow FY1s who have been suffering… Keep calm and carry on! x

p/s. Happy 25th birthday to me, it was yesterday (8th August).

Scotland the brave

Watched this year’s military tattoo last night. If you’re in Edinburgh and haven’t got tickets yet… GET THEM! And in the middle sections, of course.

It was absolutely amazing as usual, and the fireworks at the end were really the cherry on top. The narration went with the beginning of life, the four seasons, and death (but was not depressing in the least). Fortunate enough for good weather, albeit windy. Went with Joash, as it’s his last year in Edinburgh before he goes back home to work… I’m losing flatmates one by one! :(

(t)werk it!

 What what, I’m gonna be a doctor!? And secretly relishing every letter that arrives, addressed to Dr. Liew.

Yes I passed my finals, so hellooo professional life! Grad and everything is over. (: So far we’ve just been having induction lectures and refresher courses… My rota officially starts on Wednesday next week! How exciting (and scary). Really want to do well and be the best I can. In the mean time, I will fully take advantage of the joys the Fringe has to offer. x

p/s: Brief explanation of blog title. Have changed it from bedroom serenades to ‘Sry it’s messy’ because I am messy and think it characterises this space more…

Final boss battle; next episode?

Hi y’all!

I am sitting for my finals of medical school from 6th June till 17th June! Wow, I can’t believe it. I also realise I have not updated for a year. I do have plans for a new spin on this blog, which I have not really done before… First of all, I want to thank anyone who is still subscribed and checks this out (and twitter) occasionally. I know my life in Edinburgh hasn’t been very exciting, little to no updates and that’s for a number of issues which I will explain in a future post.

Secondly, I wanna talk a little about plans I have for the future. (: People who have read my stuff before know that I’m a medical student who loves to sing, shop, and pretty much be a fairly typical girl. I will be working in the UK (yay!!), and hopefully, because I won’t have exams, will be able to focus more on some of my musical interests, in terms of developing my sound and (maybe?) songwriting. Wooohh. My boyfriend actually did buy me a lovely mic + recording software for two birthdays ago but I haven’t had the time to sit down and learn it properly!! Bummer…

For these writings, in the future, I want to chronicle my journey as a junior doctor/music maker for the next two years. I love both equally, and wanna strike the right balance. I think it’ll be really interesting navigating the NHS as a proper doctor soon, and easing into that new responsibility. (: hope that all the readers (and maybe new readers too, hello!) will find the perspective interesting and helpful if they are either pre-med-school, in med school, or also a fellow junior doctor (hi!!). As I’ve said before, please feel free to drop a comment or little message to say what you think, or if you have any questions (unfortunately I do not do medical advice x)!

Muchos luvos x

Summertime!

Don’t think anyone can really appreciate the meaning of the four seasons until they live somewhere it can all be experienced. Summer fever really hits the UK in style :) It’s quite nice to be able to experience it.

Been attending a lot of parties/events recently, and having BBQs. It’s all very nice.

Flying home soon, am actually quite excited about that too! 

Had a dream about my pup two nights ago… It made me really, really sad. And really, really wanting a dog.

Redistribution of time-wasting activities…

Yes. Turning to blog again when I haz banned myself from Facebook AND Youtube this time. I’s been a while since I banned myself from Facebook, but this time around I feel my attention span and concentration has been greatly compromised by the amount of distractions available, with these two being the greatest… sigh. Not that I don’t like ’em, just need to stop myself.

I am almost done year 4 of medical school, whoaaa. Exam’s on the 28th of May, and isn’t a huge one as it only (haha) tests ophthalmology, ENT, dermatology, and general practice. Also writing up my research project at the moment, and hoping for a publication! It will require a lot more work though, as I think it’s at a very infantile stage at the moment. Sufficient for year 4 project but not journal. Maybe.

Finally got myself a NEW BOSS DESK CHAIR. It’s German, made of white leather and meeetalllll, and makes me feel better when sitting for hours. The guys helped me assemble it! :D For the past year I’ve been sitting on an inherited chair that was present in the flat when I moved in… Don’t know why I tolerated it for that long, lols. The seat of that chair was moulded into the shape of the previous owner’s bum. Pix latah.

I want to rehaul this blog. It’s old, probably doesn’t reflect who I am anymore, and needs a new focus… Plans to be unveiled over summer! :)

Milanese mornings

:) just a photo I really like from my Milan trip with the boyfriend in Jan, earlier this year. Can’t wait to go on more trips in the summer!

Back in the hood

Well, got my replacement laptop today :) First post from it! Unfortunately there’s some problem with the power socket and the connector keeps getting ‘squeezed’ out by itself. Have emailed the ASUS helpdesk again to see what they can do about it. It’s a very nice laptop otherwise…

I feel so oversaturated with studies AGAIN! And have been feeling really tired over the past few months. It’s a weird tiredness that I’ve never had the whole of last year and throughout my busy times in IMU. Maybe it’s because I’m so inactive? I don’t know, even sleep doesn’t seem to help. Also been having a crises with devotions and such… Elaborate more later.

Exam’s next week, Tuesday & Wednesday. Then I’m flying off to spend my holidays with the boyfriend in Cambridge :) Will be a nice break but I can’t wait to get over with the exam (and am dreading it at the same time!!). Sigh. Med student life. Always really really nervous about the OSCEs because I get panicky and forget everything… It’s pretty dismal. I keep feeling like I’m working off my own energy and it sucks, I feel fed up… 

Dragonbabies, ufooooo!

I’m alive, I promise. And since I missed the first one, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR EVERYONE! :) it doesn’t feel the same all the way over here in Scotland, but I’m still eating and gaining festive weight.

I have exams in two weeks (when CNY ends, boo) for my haematologyoncologypalliativecarenreastdiseaserenalurologyneurology (phew!) module. Joy. But God is good, I has fighting stamina, and I’m FINALLY back on track with my study plan (I wasn’t yesterday but I worked hard!).

Some minor details:
– I lost (Sept ’11) and found (today) my camera underneath my bed
– My laptop died (Dec ’11) and is irreparable so I’m finally getting a replacement (soon)
– My puppy left me and went home to God last November

I also have many CS Lewis books and nice RPGs waiting to be played (Resonance of Fate, Eternal Sonata, FF13).

and a life currently being eaten up by books.

I miss my boyfriendddd.