“Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?” It is all so meaningless and depressing. — Ecclesiastes 4:8
Exactly my thoughts. As a medical student, the light at the end of the tunnel is often obscured by the shadow of exams, vivas, OSCEs, log books, holding retractors… You name it, we’ve got it. Not to mention failed (or nightmareish) blood-taking attempts, performing awkward examinations, or the occasional consultant that makes you wish you really were as small and invisible as the virus you were getting interrogated about. I was really feeling rather weary and discouraged of late whilst slogging through the new rotation of the year, even questioning my worth as a medical student, let alone future doctor (this happens a lot, as the astute reader may have noticed).
Then, God decided He’d had enough of my whining (again) and dropped this reminder in my devo (ODJ, July 26 2011). Ecclesiastes 4:1-8. Meaningless and depressing. Yes, I really felt like that, most of the time. Working hard was purposeless, yet being idle brought ruin. Half the time, I felt like my effort was pointless. It was frustrating, especially since I’m ever so slightly perfectionistic. Like another wakeup call (I think I always hit snooze too many times), the reading went straight to my heart, almost as if Solomon was reading off my very thoughts.
What now?
In the write-up following the passage, I was reminded: “If you have drive and talent, most likely you’re good at what you do. But don’t let the good get in the way of what’s best.” Took me a while to digest, but essentially, I was so hung up on being good in my work and knowledge that I’d forgotten the best part of why I was there in the first place. God put me there; He prepared the place in medical school for me. He brought me home (albeit unwillingly) to IMU, abandoning my BSc in Canada, and opened the way for me to continue in Edinburgh. Despite my failings, my laziness, my skiving, my pride, my everything-that-got-in-the-way-of-being-good, He still kept me here in medical school. And why? For reasons I can only come to know if I walk with Him–all the way.
So what if I suck at taking blood? I still get it, some of the time, and after all–practice makes perfect. So what if I don’t know all the answers? Just means I need to go back and read up, but forgive myself even if I forget from time to time. If I don’t know, I’ll ask. I’m not working for myself, or to impress others. It’s not meaningless, depressing, or pointless. At all.
In the end, I am not successful in what I do if people say I am; I am only successful when I have brought joy to the heart of my Lord. So, I’ll stop measuring my worth by earthly standards and just keep doing my best, knowing that it’s always enough for Him. :)
