Dragonbabies, ufooooo!

I’m alive, I promise. And since I missed the first one, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR EVERYONE! :) it doesn’t feel the same all the way over here in Scotland, but I’m still eating and gaining festive weight.

I have exams in two weeks (when CNY ends, boo) for my haematologyoncologypalliativecarenreastdiseaserenalurologyneurology (phew!) module. Joy. But God is good, I has fighting stamina, and I’m FINALLY back on track with my study plan (I wasn’t yesterday but I worked hard!).

Some minor details:
- I lost (Sept ’11) and found (today) my camera underneath my bed
- My laptop died (Dec ’11) and is irreparable so I’m finally getting a replacement (soon)
- My puppy left me and went home to God last November

I also have many CS Lewis books and nice RPGs waiting to be played (Resonance of Fate, Eternal Sonata, FF13).

and a life currently being eaten up by books.

I miss my boyfriendddd.

Tags: Newness, updates

Times a-changing.

Hello. I has not posted for a long long long long time because:
a) no mood
b) people saying dumb things; and
c) feeling vulnerable in my honesty.

A lot of things have happened between the last post and now, and the year is almost over, again. Things are generally pottering along, with med school being as droll as it has always been. The boyfriend & I are still honeymooning, and distance is doing a good job of making our hearts grow fonder. :) Loved ones at home are the same, minus a wee pup I have sniffed and cuddled for the past 9 years.

I get this feeling something has changed in the undercurrents of my life in general, but I don’t quite know what yet. Stuff that has happened has put me into a pseudo-reflective state, where unimportant things suddenly float to the surface and become the oddest points for self-examination.

Realizing I don’t like change but can adapt if it is imposed upon me is sobering. I like things my way (who doesn’t?), but not getting them won’t kill me. I now know the feeling of begging God for something and not getting it. Is there a good reason for it? Don’t know, and probably won’t know for a while–or ever. Holding my emotions at bay whilst listening to ignorant comments has become another learning point.

Crying has never been a problem, but sometimes I wish it didn’t make one look so hideous. Hah :)

There’s been a lot of “A week ago, that wouldn’t have been like this”, or “If only I had been there”.

I need to stop :)

Tags: edin, love love, rants, thoughts

Worth.

“Who am I working for? Why am I giving up so much pleasure now?” It is all so meaningless and depressing. — Ecclesiastes 4:8

Exactly my thoughts. As a medical student, the light at the end of the tunnel is often obscured by the shadow of exams, vivas, OSCEs, log books, holding retractors… You name it, we’ve got it. Not to mention failed (or nightmareish) blood-taking attempts, performing awkward examinations, or the occasional consultant that makes you wish you really were as small and invisible as the virus you were getting interrogated about. I was really feeling rather weary and discouraged of late whilst slogging through the new rotation of the year, even questioning my worth as a medical student, let alone future doctor (this happens a lot, as the astute reader may have noticed).

Then, God decided He’d had enough of my whining (again) and dropped this reminder in my devo (ODJ, July 26 2011). Ecclesiastes 4:1-8. Meaningless and depressing. Yes, I really felt like that, most of the time. Working hard was purposeless, yet being idle brought ruin. Half the time, I felt like my effort was pointless. It was frustrating, especially since I’m ever so slightly perfectionistic. Like another wakeup call (I think I always hit snooze too many times), the reading went straight to my heart, almost as if Solomon was reading off my very thoughts.

What now?

In the write-up following the passage, I was reminded: “If you have drive and talent, most likely you’re good at what you do. But don’t let the good get in the way of what’s best.” Took me a while to digest, but essentially, I was so hung up on being good in my work and knowledge that I’d forgotten the best part of why I was there in the first place. God put me there; He prepared the place in medical school for me. He brought me home (albeit unwillingly) to IMU, abandoning my BSc in Canada, and opened the way for me to continue in Edinburgh. Despite my failings, my laziness, my skiving, my pride, my everything-that-got-in-the-way-of-being-good, He still kept me here in medical school. And why? For reasons I can only come to know if I walk with Him–all the way.

So what if I suck at taking blood? I still get it, some of the time, and after all–practice makes perfect. So what if I don’t know all the answers? Just means I need to go back and read up, but forgive myself even if I forget from time to time. If I don’t know, I’ll ask. I’m not working for myself, or to impress others. It’s not meaningless, depressing, or pointless. At all.

In the end, I am not successful in what I do if people say I am; I am only successful when I have brought joy to the heart of my Lord. So, I’ll stop measuring my worth by earthly standards and just keep doing my best, knowing that it’s always enough for Him. :)

Tags: edin, God stuff, rants, thoughts

Completeness

No virtue is complete without the others & their Maker.

Something to think about, and a little aha! moment for yours truly. If we neglect the other virtues while pursuing the purity of one to various extremes, that is likely the equivalent of idolatry. For example, the pursuit of justice can lead us to neglect kindness, and vice versa–I’m sure examples will pop to mind fairly quickly. Found this in the ODJ focus article between 30 June 2011 and 1 July 2011′s devotional readings–google if interested. :) Title is “Shouldn’t we always be tolerant?”

Three things will last forever–faith, hope, and love–and the greatest of these is love.

- 1 Corinthians 13:13

Well, ideally…

Back in Edinburgh and moved into a new place, thanks to the help of mum, my amazing cell group and Daniel. Then, mum helped me unpack as I scrambled around to classes and attachments…

I honestly think that here, God wants to lead me into a new part of a relationship with Him. Back home, it was so easy to feel like I was with Him, and walk around as if I was really following His commandments. Good exam results were from Him. Stressful times were repaired by Him. Successful events were blessed by Him. Bad things were turned to good by Him. And then, those around me whom I loved rejoiced with me in what He had done!

Now, faced with a wall of doctors and nurses and other health professionals (and patients) who may or may not share my faith, and a code of conduct that requires me to do things without being “prejudiced” by my faith, that if I may even offer to pray for someone I can be cut off and away from my future, hopeful, profession…

This is hard for me to articulate, but, essentially, it’s even harder to live for God and with God when without the encouragement of others. It’s not as simple as a “you can do it!” but the fact that those around you understand why you do the things you do. I find it difficult, even awkward at times to even explain to others, or share with them what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it. How do you do that without sounding like the goody two shoes? Or maybe that shouldn’t matter at all.

Ideal is ideal, because that’s what we all want to achieve, but somehow or other, human nature gets in the way–be it our own, or someone else’s. Just got to let go, and let Him deal with it…

I shouldn’t be so impatient.

Tags: edin, God stuff, rants

Gackt-sama in London!!!!

omg. Omg. OMG.

The honey-drenched voice in my dreams.

GACKT-SAMA IS COMING TO THE UK!! TO LONDON!!! IN JULY!!!! D: *SQUEEEAAAALLLLLLL*

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF LOVE!! FINALLY!!! THE CHANCE TO SEE MY BEAUTIFUL HERO AND BELOVED GACKT-SAMA LIVE IN THE FLESH!!!! IN THE FLESH!!!

DEAR GOD PLEASE LET ME BE POSTED IN EDINBURGH OR SOMEWHERE THAT I CAN GO TO LONDON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!

I NEED TO WATCH HIS CONCERT!!!!!!

DDD: GACKT-SAMA!!!!! WHY YOU NO COME TO EDINBURGH ALSO!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Tags: boys, love love, shows

Curse of the sweet tooth

Happy times :)

red velvet whoopie pie, Starbucks Nicolson St. :)

Have also been snacking massively with Special K Red berries, punnets of cherries, green grapes, blueberries… and my customary teas and coffees. Supplemented with heaps of prayer and devo, and reminders not to complain. ALL TO STAY AWAKE AND STUDY! FOR THE GLORYYYY

xx

Tags: edin, exams, food

Worldasplode fail.

And so life rolls on, with many planning to “celebrate” escaping the end of the world whilst making fun of the crazies. People should stop worrying about when the world is going to end, or how, or how much you can do before it does. Would knowing the specific date really help us in our Christian walks? :/

As the NLT puts it, Matthew 6:27 reads “Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?” No. Conversely, it eats up the time and energy spent on getting worked up about doomsday.

It really ticks me off when God’s words are used to back such inane theories, and shoved glaringly into the media spotlight–all it does is demean the worth of His words! As if nothing is sacred. Taking His promises and truths, only to twist it to suit their own purposes. Sure, admittedly they evangelize aggressively because of this, but it’s just wrong to encourage people to come to God simply because the world is going to end!! WTF.

Finding God and coming to love Him should not be marred by fear, or coerced by untruths. :( It does no good to sling mud or call out sin in a judgmental, unloving way, especially in the public arena where we are supposed to BE LOVING. ROAR. NO WONDER people have bad impressions of Christians, or think we’re all crazy end-of-the-world fanatics who want to convertconvertconvert and bleach out all the sinister evils of the world.

IMO, we should strive, work, and suffer to be better Christians and love both our ENEMIES AND NEIGHBORS as we love ourselves, as God loves us. We are not perfect and SHOULD NOT claim to be!!! Wth. What use are cliquey Christians!?

:(((((!! annoyed. questioning. searching. living. asking. working out my faith. striving to love annoying people amidst it all. only wanting to live in truth and never, ever contradict or two-face my life. So help me, Lord.

Tags: edin, exams, God stuff, rants

Whenever the sun sets.

photo-heavy post! xx

It’s been a while! :) Since I last wrote, lots of things have happened, but most things have stayed unchanged. For example, the fact that I’m still in medical school (phew) hasn’t changed… though I will be done in 2 years! Rather exciting, yet nerve-wracking at the same time.

To sum up the two months between the last post and now, my boyfriend came to spend the entire spring break with me!

Fresh off the train. xx

Tags: birthdays, boys, edin, exams, shows, travels

Whisper in my ear

There’s nowhere else I can say anything, being watched like this, so you can make your own judgement calls, however much you like.

I suppose it was never about me in the first place.

It’s always like that, giving up what I want for the greater good, clinging on to some matter of trust that it’ll all work out.

Dear God, I hate it. I know you hear me. What’s the deal, really? Can’t have everything I want, right?

Rant, rant, rant. Grumble, grumble, grumble. That’s all I do when I’m emo and things don’t go my way. Super.

Way to be mature.

Whatever.

Tags: God stuff

Help me understand

Lord,

It’s only You who can help me understand these divisions, separations, and strange theories that man has cooked up about You.

It’s only You who can set aside the truths from the false, and show us the essential “why behind the what”.

Why is there a difference between Catholics and Protestants? I don’t understand the divisions, so please help me to understand. I know that You hold all the answers, not any mere man.

Please speak to me, and everyone else who seeks unity of all the believers.

Amen.

***************

On another note, meet my boyfriend, Patrick. <3 Ain’t he a looker? He also cooks, cleans, rows, and spoils me silly. xx

Kitty & Giraffey

Tags: boys, God stuff, love love

Time Elapsed

:p sudah lama aku tak ber-blog. Sorry! Merry Christmas, Happy New year, Happy Chinese New Year, Happy Valentine’s day and all that shiz.

Edinburgh is still lovely, and less cold than when it was in winter. Nothing beats my experience in a Canadian winter, though. Haven’t even used the winter jacket I brought over–it’s now dumped into storage in the living-room closet.

My punter & I on the river Cam! He wasn't too happy about looking unglam in the life jacket.

I’ve been travelling a LOT. I went to Cambridge to visit a friend, and was awed by the 36 different colleges and how they fit together as the University of Cambridge… It’s a very pretty and quaint town, and punting on the river Cam was cold but fun. :) We also went to a beautiful orchard in Grantchester–which was, unfortunately, quite dead at this time of the year! I’ll be back in summer to have tea there again.

Portree harbour, Isle of Skye!

The flatmates and I went on a crazy impromptu roadtrip to the Isle of Skye! :D We saw highland cows, heaps of sheep, waterfalls, cliffs, rolling hills, countless lochs… Photos are on fb. Apart from that, it is a year of musicals… Since coming to Edin, I’ve watched this Glee tribute show, The Secret Garden, HAIRSPRAY!!!!, Annie, and am going to watch Fiddler on the Roof today, as well as Footloose tomorrow :)) Excitement excitement!!

Steph & I strutting the scrubs. Yeah, I'm having stress zits on my chin.

Have gone through my gastrointestinal and locomotor rotations and emerged (somewhat) unscathed! Hallelujah and praise God for the results I managed to get :) Still need to work on my clinical skills, but at least my theory is solid enough. Currently on my cardiovascular rotation, which is quite fun. :) Have an AMAZING professor guiding us (not that my previous two weren’t equally amazing).

Daniel and I were fairly amused that one of the cardio consultants we shadowed for an evening still games (WoW, Doom, etc)… FULLY INSPIRING. :) That has made up my mind to purchase Starcraft II after my cardio exam on the 11th of March.

My Valentine's surprise! :) a hand-made pendant, from old silver rings.

I had a good Valentine’s day :) received stuff that made me smile in the post, and had a nice long skype call.

Not much else to say, apart from the fact that I’m finally fitting into church and cell and whatnot… a year of new ventures! Instead of singing on the worship team, I am playing the keyboard (albeit somewhat badly). Everyone is very nice and forgiving :p

Till next time! xx

Tags: boys, chinese new year, christmas, church, edin, love love, roadtrips, shows

I said a prayer and fell asleep.

We play guess the song in the title once again :)

Anyway. It’s almost as if whenever I have the least to do, I am less inclined to write, but when I have the most to do, I am most inclined to write. Something I’ll never understand! :) So here I am, once again, with two reports due in two weeks, but stubbornly wanting to write here instead.

One of these reports is a case report, based on a real patient whom I met under my consultant. The other is a reflective report of sorts, based on my attachment at this residential care unit for children with complex health needs. Both, at present, are equally unappealing to me–the former for its mentally taxing nature, and the latter for its requirements and coerced reflection on the quality of teamwork.

:( I am behind schedule in how I planned to go about completing these reports.

Hopefully, tomorrow will yield better results.

On a separate but not-totally-unrelated note, Psalm 27 has popped up a lot in the past week: my devotion, Pastor Edmund’s sharing, prep for worship, church, PCCF… Getting this feeling that I should print it out and tack it onto my wall so it can truly serve as a reminder for this forgetful, treacherous heart.

Can you tell that my mood is low? :)

Katy Perry’s Hummingbird Heartbeat is a lovely song, if not for the at-times dodgy lyrics. Plan to do a cover of it.

You give me that hummingbird heartbeat
Spread my wings and make me fly
The taste of your honey is so sweet
When you give me that hummingbird heartbeat, hummingbird heartbeat.

Tags: being emo, edin, God stuff, music, rants

Warning.

I would just like to publicly say that I am not interested in malicious slander, gossip, or derogatory comments on my blog–of any nature. Especially if you post anonymously. If you want to say something, have the guts to do it as a real person, face-to-face, and establish who you are and why you deserve to say something like that.

Comment all you like, but do know that I moderate them, so they will likely not be approved, and you will be i.p. banned. Also, do know that I have the ability to monitor and locate where you post these snippets from, so if needed, I will not hesitate to employ that ability and find you. What will I do? That’s up to me, isn’t it.

Thanks :)

German Christmas Market @ Princes Street Gardens

It’s been a while since I wrote a proper blogpost, apologies. With the advent of Aria, my leetle iPhone 4, I’ve gotten lazier and resorted to micro-blogging on twitter (see sidebar on right). But yes, Christmassy treats in Edinburgh! Went to the Christmas market with flatmate Gillian and her friend Nicola. Walked there, but unfortunately, we got splashed with SLUDGE from the road when two cars sped by…ugh. Gill and I got the brunt of it, but thankfully my black polka-dot coat didn’t show it, and she managed to use this miracle cleaning thing her mum gave her to get rid of the stains. Phew! So much for pleasant drivers…

I was quite excited as it was the first time I was going (first time in Edin, duh), and a couple of days before I’d seen them setting up a Ferris wheel (squeeeal!) and other colorful rides. :) So sue me, I am amused easily.

Behold the Christmas Market! :)) Whee~

Anyway. We arrived and honestly, I was surprised at how many stalls had been set up! Yours truly, being a hopeless city girl, had only previously ventured along the commercial part of Princes Street (cough, Miss Selfridge and The Body Shop) and neglected the gardens portion–never realized how much space was in that stretch beside the road.

Tags: christmas, edin, God stuff, outings, shopping